Sleepless in the Summit

Latest movie. Starring me.

I am sleepless. And I live in the Summit. 

Do I have expectations that are too high? Do I not see me as the world sees me? Do I flat out just live in the wrong city?

These are the questions that keep me up at night. 

Please. Ponder. Discuss and get back to me. 

Dating is Harder than Nailing Jello to a Tree

Dating is an adventure.

All my married friends tell me what a great catch I am. Maybe they wouldn't think so if they were single.

I had a first/last date the other night. He was 20 minutes late - ON PURPOSE - so that he could try to check me out BEFORE we met. Well I arrived early so he missed his opportunity to see me walk from the parking lot. He wanted to see what I looked like. I lost respect for him before the date even started.

We are adults. If I was an unattractive slob and he wasn't attracted to me, we can still have a drink and a decent conversation right? No harm done. Many of the men I have met lately have the "all or nothing" mentality. They either want to jump in bed or a serious relationship or want to exit the building ASAP. I want neither option.

I am not usually instantly attracted to a man because honestly what I am attracted to comes with time spent with the person. Sense of humor, smile, eyes....those are the things that give me butterflies in my stomach if there is such a thing. Not an overly good-looking man that is all talk. If I wanted a used-car salesman, I would go to a used-car lot.

I think I may need to go back to nailing jello to a tree. Maybe easier in the long run.

Deal Breakers

There has been a lot of talk about "deal breakers" lately. I am not sure why it keeps coming up in conversation, but it does. A deal breaker is something that I can't live with; a characteristic or preference that I just cannot accept in a potential significant other.

Everybody has them  - whether they admit it or not. One friend says that big hands with bad fingernails is a deal breaker for her. Today a guy friend from college gave me every scenario possible to help identify my deal breakers. I decided I needed to blog about this topic so I never forget my deal breakers.

My top 10 in no particular order - except for the first one.

1. Bad kisser. First on the list because I like kissing and a bad kiss is a complete turn off. I don't want to feel like I am making out with a dead fish.

2. Cheap. I am not talking about extravagant gifts. I am referring to not tipping a waitress well. Or complaining all the time about how much cable costs. Or never buying me a drink. Or not being philanthropic - seriously who doesn't give money to help sick kids or animal shelters?

3. Mullets, missing teeth, nasty mustaches and smoking. All non-negotiable.

4. Wears wife beaters. Why would you do that? And let me guess you have a waterbed and a pet alligator too.

5. Weighs less than me. No gal wants to feel like Large Marge around their man.

6. Wears Affliction shirts from The Buckle. Clear indicator that a mid-life crisis is around the corner.

7. Uses the word "lover." Ick. Never do I want to be referred to as your lover. Ever.

8.  Drugs. Never done them myself and don't want to be around it. I want to be the high you crave.

9. Sends me to check out the noise downstairs. Every girl wants a man's man when it comes to creepy noises. Sending me downstairs to check it out makes me wonder why I would want you.

10. No sense of humor. This is a big one. Life is too short not to laugh. I want inside jokes with my guy.

Planting seeds

A very wise woman told me recently that we may not see the fruits of our efforts to help others, but that we are planting seeds that will take root, grow and live on in the future.

Think about people in your life that invested in you, helped you, supported you...believed in you. Who were they? Where are they now?

I think of the man who taught me how to tie my shoes when I was a toddler using the bunny ear method. My mom who prayed for me and all my friends without me every knowing she was doing it. Or the college professor who's passion inspired me to study English. And my Godmother who let me "run away from home" to her. Or my dad who didn't talk about hard work ethic–he lived it.

I hope and pray that I am successfully planting seeds for my foster-daughters. They are beautiful, complicated, hurt, hopeful, sad and excited. I hope the seeds I plant in them are fruitful–manners, respect, kindness, honesty, forgiveness. And that they bloom.

One more time

Everyone experiences heartbreak; there is no escaping it. We experience heartbreak in hopes of an end.

One more time.

It is amazing how resilient the heart is. It forgives, forgets, loves again.

One more time.

Memory. The heart has a memory. It takes longer to heal with each heartbreak.

One more time.

Until it is no more.

Sacrifice

Sacrifice.
There is power in the word sacrifice.
It's my 2015 word. And it is a hard one for me.

My word last year was shine. It was uplifting, encouraging...happy!

Sacrifice is humbling. It is stoic and bold and scary.

Jesus made the greatest sacrifice of all. It almost seems silly for me to choose such a word. How do my sacrifices even come close to the one He made? Truth is they don't and they won't.

I sometimes feel empty and alone when I make a sacrifice–which is not the point of it at all. I should be thankful for the opportunity and well-being to make one. I should feel blessed and filled up with joy, love.

People around me every day make sacrifices. I wonder if they think about it beforehand or if it just happens. Do they regret it after?

Do I just not understand the true meaning of sacrifice or am I intensely conflicted?

Sacrificing will be a journey for me...with twists and turns and upsets.

I want sacrifice to be part of my story.

Letting go

I saw a quote today that gave me the reality check I needed. It said, "I think of the trees and how they let go."

I often try to take a hard look at myself. Who am I? How do others see me? Am I light or am I dark?

I know who I want to be. But that doesn't really matter does it? Perception is reality.  

Truly, I need to let go of my mistakes. Let go of those who pull me down. Let go of others expectations of me. Let go of living my life to please others. 

Letting go of these things will free me up to live the life God wants me to live. Letting go of the noise will free me up to hear His voice.